you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
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