I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
We were chasing that deer in the quad and next thing I remember I woke up in my RAs bed. I'm probably in trouble.
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Randomize
