I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
