we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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