I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
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