If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
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