I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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