you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
