Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
