What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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