Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
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