I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
Randomize
