Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
