Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
