I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
don't judge my taste in strippers
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
