So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
