Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Randomize
