Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Randomize
