last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
tell me about the fingering
Randomize
