So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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