I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Randomize
