he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Randomize
