We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Randomize
