dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
Randomize
