Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Randomize
