the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
The convent might be a nice break from real life
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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