The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Randomize
