Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
