I hope mine doesn't look like that
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Randomize
