I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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