Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
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