i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
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