It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
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