She is in my trunk
I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
