The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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