but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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