No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
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