Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
