Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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