Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
Randomize
