This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
i don't mind that he's uncut. i like it! it's like a little sweater!
a cock doensn't need a sweater! especially a skin sweater! wtf.
That's like some buffalo bill hannibal lector shit.
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
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