My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Randomize
