i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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