somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
