Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
