I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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