just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
