i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Randomize
