I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Randomize
