Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
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